April 18, 2019, 09:45:52 PM

Author Topic: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)  (Read 2983 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« on: March 21, 2013, 11:08:05 AM »
+1
Carrie enters the castle grounds:

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Dario

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Dmitri

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Olrox

(click to show/hide)

Metting with Carmilla

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Stella

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Richter

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Brauner

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Shaft

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Barlowe

(click to show/hide)

Meeting Albus

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Death

(click to show/hide)

Meeting with Dracula

(click to show/hide)

Carrie leaves the crumbling Keep...

Ending

(click to show/hide)

THE END

Hope you'll like it. :)
« Last Edit: March 25, 2013, 06:38:21 PM by Rukifellth »

Offline Lilfut

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 312
  • belmont son of belmont
  • Respect: -3
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2013, 11:14:52 AM »
0
Spoiler parts of that and we'll talk. I am not scrolling through that wall of text.

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2013, 01:46:54 PM »
0
Done and done, thanks for pointing it out. :)

Offline rasgar

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 738
  • Who of you can say?
  • Respect: +39
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2013, 01:57:14 PM »
+1
I see several issues here (aside from the many grammatical and spelling errors).

Dario: AW HELL NAW!!

I'll admit I laughed, but... no. I think we're better off not writing dialogue like this.

Quote
Meeting with Olrox

I don't think Olrox has ever pretended to not be a vampire. Plus, he's kinda... blue. Recognizing him as inhuman wouldn't make you wise beyond your years, just normal.

Quote
Meeting with Stella

Considering the big discussion that was had regarding Charlotte and whether she should have even been able to use Sanctuary in the first place, I don't think the idea of Carrie being able to purify vampires is going to fly - especially since she was never shown to have that power before. If she could do that, wouldn't she have purified her cousin?
Oh, and don't forget that this battle is going to be against both sisters at once by the time stories are implemented, so you'll need to include Loretta in this conversation.

Quote
Meeting with Brauner

I'm pretty sure he is well beyond redemption.

Quote
Meeting with Shaft

NO. We're done with the blaxploitation jokes.

Quote
Meeting with Barlowe

The most glaring problem is connecting her with Barlowe and Ecclesia - that seems really unnecessary. But on top of that, I'm pretty sure Ecclesia is not against witchcraft at all, Barlowe's evil plans aside. I mean, what would you call the glyphs if not magic? Also, OoE takes place in the early 1800's (though an unspecified year). How did Carrie get born in 1840 if her mother died before Barlowe's death? On top of that, how would he know that the Fernandez woman in his order was Carrie's mother - just because they have the same name?

Quote
Meeting with Death

Was Death even in CV64? Also, it seems really out of character for Carrie to use curse words.

I figure that's enough for now.

Offline s̻͔̦͔e̫̣̹͕r̤̗̤̥͔i͎̪̳̺̜o̰̜͓̫̺͖

  • administrator
  • chaotic member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2248
  • no personal text here.
  • Respect: +67
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2013, 03:23:43 PM »
0
Quote
Was Death even in CV64?
yeah, in reinhardt's story. carrie meets actrise instead.
Dracula was here

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2013, 04:46:02 PM »
0
I see several issues here (aside from the many grammatical and spelling errors).

I'll admit I laughed, but... no. I think we're better off not writing dialogue like this.

I don't think Olrox has ever pretended to not be a vampire. Plus, he's kinda... blue. Recognizing him as inhuman wouldn't make you wise beyond your years, just normal.

Considering the big discussion that was had regarding Charlotte and whether she should have even been able to use Sanctuary in the first place, I don't think the idea of Carrie being able to purify vampires is going to fly - especially since she was never shown to have that power before. If she could do that, wouldn't she have purified her cousin?
Oh, and don't forget that this battle is going to be against both sisters at once by the time stories are implemented, so you'll need to include Loretta in this conversation.

I'm pretty sure he is well beyond redemption.

NO. We're done with the blaxploitation jokes.

The most glaring problem is connecting her with Barlowe and Ecclesia - that seems really unnecessary. But on top of that, I'm pretty sure Ecclesia is not against witchcraft at all, Barlowe's evil plans aside. I mean, what would you call the glyphs if not magic? Also, OoE takes place in the early 1800's (though an unspecified year). How did Carrie get born in 1840 if her mother died before Barlowe's death? On top of that, how would he know that the Fernandez woman in his order was Carrie's mother - just because they have the same name?

Was Death even in CV64? Also, it seems really out of character for Carrie to use curse words.

I figure that's enough for now.

Dario: Aw okey, I'll remove it. XD

Olrox: It is more of a mythology gag towards Castlevania 64 where Carrie meets a vampire hiding as a vampire in a room with a large table. I could'nt help but draw a paralell...

Loretta: Purifying was an item in CV64 that was used to recover from vampirism. Carrie can't heal vampirism through magic. She just happens to keep one such item.

Shaft: It was'nt meant to be rasist, plus, Shaft (the detective) is cool. :D
But I'll try and come up with something different.

Brauner: Did'nt stop Charlotte and Johnathan from feeling pity for him... before he was killed by Death...

Barlowe: Ok, I admit it is a stretch, but I imagine that it was before Carrie was born, and her mother was still young and naive, joining the Order. Barlowe realised she was a Fernandez and brandished her a witch to eliminate her.

Barlowe would probably justify his magic as being holy because they use glyphs and such.
Carrie's mother would escape to live in spain (or was it Italy?) to evaid the order, years later, after a young Carrie was born, she was caught and prosecuted. and Carrie survived simply because a kindly woman found her. Buuut I could change it to Carrie's grandmother perhaps?

Hope it clears up the confusion. XD

Offline s̻͔̦͔e̫̣̹͕r̤̗̤̥͔i͎̪̳̺̜o̰̜͓̫̺͖

  • administrator
  • chaotic member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2248
  • no personal text here.
  • Respect: +67
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2013, 04:58:07 PM »
0
Quote
Loretta: Purifying was an item in CV64 that was used to recover from vampirism.
it was only used to recover from the pre-vampirism state, in which the character was just weakened, and which lasted for few days at most. once the fangs appeared it was too late, and you got a game over.

as far as i remember, the sisters were in their vampire state for several months before the game started, and were already partially transformed (gaining super powers, fangs and all the jazz vampires get plus brauner's brainwashing), which in cv64 would already give you a game over.

but that's for portrait's sisters, the ones in this game have their own reasons to become vampires.
Dracula was here

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2013, 05:55:35 PM »
0
The text has been updated. I kept the Purifying reference, but it is made more obvious that she's refering to an item.

Altough I can't find the cussing you were talking about. :S

Offline rasgar

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 738
  • Who of you can say?
  • Respect: +39
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2013, 06:01:01 PM »
0
Shaft: It was'nt meant to be rasist, plus, Shaft (the detective) is cool. :D
But I'll try and come up with something different.

I wasn't accusing you of being progressive. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blaxploitation
That aside, these stories are supposed to be serious. Jokes are to be kept to a bare minimum, if any at all. Shaft is his own character, you can write the dialogue as such.

Quote
Brauner: Did'nt stop Charlotte and Johnathan from feeling pity for him... before he was killed by Death...

I don't recall them pitying Brauner. As Jonathan says after the battle:

"After all, "justice" is just a matter of perspective. The fact is, you're just a coward who couldn't face the truth. You couldn't accept your fate, so you just abandoned humanity to get what you wanted."

Quote
Barlowe would probably justify his magic as being holy because they use glyphs and such.
Carrie's mother would escape to live in spain (or was it Italy?) to evaid the order, years later, after a young Carrie was born, she was caught and prosecuted. and Carrie survived simply because a kindly woman found her. Buuut I could change it to Carrie's grandmother perhaps?

How would Barlowe justify using Dracula's power as holy?
In any case, the points still stand that there is no way even remotely possible that Barlowe could know that Carrie is the daughter/granddaughter/whatever of that particular woman that he banished, and that kind of hyperconnectivity is unnecessary anyway.

Altough I can't find the cussing you were talking about. :S

It was there, under the Death encounter. It's not there anymore, it was on the line where she was talking about her and Reinhardt facing separate enemies.

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2013, 06:22:42 PM »
0
I did'nt mean that you called me progressive, just that my intentions was not to offend anyone in case it would.

I've altered the Brauner line now. She merely think he is pitiful now...

I've already altered the the Barlowe line. And by holy, I mean that he builds up the image of the glyphs as a holy power. Only he knows that the plan is to ressurect Dracula. I'm just saying, sorry for the confusion.

And yep, I noticed the cursing later, AFTER posting that, sorry. XD
« Last Edit: March 21, 2013, 06:28:45 PM by Rukifellth »

Offline Pasta

  • sr. member
  • ****
  • Posts: 201
  • Hikari are!
  • Respect: +6
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2013, 10:17:55 PM »
+1
You should read all the stickies (1) (2) (3) and get updated to what is accepted to each characters now.

For example: Stella and Loreta CAN'T be cured from vampirism in this game, and any story stating something different can't be accepted without mayor changes

Should I quote Cyber for this?

Required reading (for those who haven't yet):
Story guideline submission Rules
conversation flow
who can talk and who can't

Aeon and St. Germain (and Death and Dracula) -- my take on their roles

Also, read this one to avoid  more confusion: Boss Origins -- Discussion & Consensus
"Let there be light"

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2013, 01:53:37 PM »
0
Ok, I've altered it again, and followed the instructions. so hopefully I've fixed all issues. :)

Offline Superscope

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 489
  • Vampire hunter from Australia
  • Respect: +26
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #12 on: March 24, 2013, 07:54:39 AM »
0
No offense, but your story formatting is a mess.. I can't tell what is the boss intro or outro.

Take a look at how I formatted the story for Sakuya Here. Some parts I go in to great detail (to the point of excessive ;p) but imho it's the details that people like to see.

Also, while it's a personal preference of mine, you have so little "meat" in your conversations.. Even the conversation with Dracula is rather short..

"To describe this madness? Give all the bosses steroids, and put them in a line."
"What is a Belmont? A miserable pile of whips and sub-weapons."
"WARNING - Touhou Fanatic - WARNING"
I Make CVF videos!

Offline Rukifellth

  • full member
  • ***
  • Posts: 94
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: +20
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2013, 06:42:15 PM »
0
I've updated the text, increased the dialogue a bit, tried to make it less confusing as to what is intro and not. I've especially increased Death's and Dracula's dialogue.

Offline RyuTheWeredragon

  • jr. member
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • i'm a llama.
  • Respect: 0
Re: Carrie Story (Rukifellth)
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2014, 06:35:55 AM »
0
Also, Richter cannot die in the story, unless he's revealed to be a doppleganger in your particular storyline (as he is in Sonia's).

Don't want to make Julius never exist, after all.

Also, try to check your spelling: For instance it's "hypocrite" not "hippocrite". You know this board does have a spell check function. <<
« Last Edit: May 15, 2014, 07:09:39 PM by RyuTheWeredragon »