April 18, 2019, 09:41:34 PM

Author Topic: Sypha Belnades - Story  (Read 3585 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Sypha Belnades - Story
« on: March 28, 2013, 02:04:39 PM »
+4
Yes, I know there is already a topic with that, and yes, I know an idea was already set, but I decided in rewriting the whole thing, and making Sypha's story hers only. I tried creating a mini-plot inside it, and explaining as well how can a character who needed three others on her original game, be able to defeat by herself the UBER version of Dracula. I took inspirations and hints of Order of Ecclesia, as something in this game and OoE might fit very well. Here it goes :)


        ---PROLOGUE---
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 1
   ---INTRO---
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 3
   ---DARIO---
(click to show/hide)

   ---DMITRI---
(click to show/hide)

   --AGNI--
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 5
   ---SUCCUBUS---
(click to show/hide)

   ---STELLA & LORETTA---
(click to show/hide)

   ---CARMILLA---
(click to show/hide)

   ---OLROX---
(click to show/hide)

   ---SHAFT---
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 7
   ---BRAUNER---
(click to show/hide)

   ---BARLOWE---
(click to show/hide)

   ---RICHTER---
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 8
   ---DEATH---
(click to show/hide)

   TIER 9
   ---DRACULA---
(click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: May 13, 2013, 12:29:22 AM by ThePlotTwist »

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2013, 02:07:58 PM »
0
Taken. Go look for somewhere else to sit on!

Offline rasgar

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 738
  • Who of you can say?
  • Respect: +39
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2013, 04:07:39 PM »
0
I like it so far, one of the main reasons being that it definitely has a stronger connecting thread between the battles than anything I wrote (I guess that could be partially because when I wrote mine, I didn't know anything about the tier orders, and I really don't feel like rewriting it all).

I admit I kind of only skimmed it, but the only thing that really bothers me is that Sypha has such little faith in her disguise, apparently (why bother wearing it, then?). I know it isn't perfect, but the reason why it works is that they are baggy, shapeless robes that don't show her figure at all, and a hood that mostly obscures her face. With nothing to suggest she's female (especially if she doesn't speak), I figure most people will just assume she's male, especially in her respective time period.

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2013, 04:13:32 PM »
0
I like it so far, one of the main reasons being that it definitely has a stronger connecting thread between the battles than anything I wrote (I guess that could be partially because when I wrote mine, I didn't know anything about the tier orders, and I really don't feel like rewriting it all).

I admit I kind of only skimmed it, but the only thing that really bothers me is that Sypha has such little faith in her disguise, apparently (why bother wearing it, then?). I know it isn't perfect, but the reason why it works is that they are baggy, shapeless robes that don't show her figure at all, and a hood that mostly obscures her face. With nothing to suggest she's female (especially if she doesn't speak), I figure most people will just assume she's male, especially in her respective time period.

Oh you see, it was more like an ironic joke xD
Seriously, I can remove it if it goes way too far.
The thing is that, being a woman, with powers and responsabilities, on the age she lived in, were important indeed. But there is the issue with the voice. The is the hair. And nowhere on the game is mentioned just when exaclty Sypha "began feeling confortable with herself". I don't see Sypha having faith or not on the guise, but more concerned with fighting the monsters and all that.
But seriously, I can change that, really xD

I even wrote a different script where the Succubus takes on this very topic, of hiding her womanhood for the sake of machism and overall fear of witches.

Offline VladCT

  • turbo member
  • *******
  • Posts: 1116
  • Go home Homura, you're drunk.
  • Respect: +46
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2013, 04:52:57 PM »
0
Barlowe was never the power-hungry sort, by the way. Just corrupted into becoming a Dracula worshiper, most likely via prolonged exposure to what Dominus came from. Also, most storywriters I see tend to write him as believing that Dracula is the key to humanity's union. Forgot how much of it is canon though.

Offline rasgar

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 738
  • Who of you can say?
  • Respect: +39
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2013, 06:36:48 PM »
0
The thing is that, being a woman, with powers and responsabilities, on the age she lived in, were important indeed. But there is the issue with the voice. The is the hair.

Well, her hair is tucked entirely into the hood, plus Trevor has really long hair too - so I don't think that's an issue.

Quote
And nowhere on the game is mentioned just when exaclty Sypha "began feeling confortable with herself". I don't see Sypha having faith or not on the guise, but more concerned with fighting the monsters and all that.
But seriously, I can change that, really xD

Well she was the one who chose to put on the disguise, right? If she didn't think it was going to work, there wouldn't be a good reason to do it. To say that she wasn't concerned doesn't make a lot of sense - didn't she dress up as a man to avoid being lynched by the common people? It wasn't so much to disguise her womanliness as it was to disguise the possibility of her being a witch. I don't think she was insecure about her gender.

Also, most storywriters I see tend to write him as believing that Dracula is the key to humanity's union. Forgot how much of it is canon though.

Yeah, it's basically canon. His stance is essentially that humanity secretly wishes for Dracula's return even if they don't know it, because their hearts are full of darkness - not unlike CotM Carmilla.

Offline (yber])ragon10]{

  • LIGHT - [Machine/Effect]
  • moderator
  • super member
  • *****
  • Posts: 633
  • "For Everlasting Peace."
  • Respect: +21
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2013, 08:19:04 PM »
0
Well she was the one who chose to put on the disguise, right? If she didn't think it was going to work, there wouldn't be a good reason to do it. To say that she wasn't concerned doesn't make a lot of sense - didn't she dress up as a man to avoid being lynched by the common people? It wasn't so much to disguise her womanliness as it was to disguise the possibility of her being a witch. I don't think she was insecure about her gender.

If worst comes to worst, I imagine she'd be skilled enough to manipulate the perceptions of those immediately around her so that they'd perceive her as a man. But that's just me. And yes, witch thing, not woman thing. :/

Yeah, it's basically canon. His stance is essentially that humanity secretly wishes for Dracula's return even if they don't know it, because their hearts are full of darkness - not unlike CotM Carmilla.

To add to this, we don't know what Barlowe's original point of view was, all we know is that prolonged exposure to the Dominus Seal irreversibly corrupted his ideals to what you see in OoE. So yeah, Dracula keeps coming back > People want Dracula back > Dracula will "save" the people (or something). :T
"So you know cats are interesting. They are kind of like girls. If they come and talk to you it's great. But if you try to talk to them it doesn't always go so well."
~ Shigeru Miyamoto

Offline Malphas

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 529
  • Lord of the unread.
  • Respect: +21
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 10:08:40 AM »
0
I really like this story.
The plot is nice, the references brilliant and gotta' love this Sypha's personality. I especially like the fact that she believes in her faith without being some crazy holy girl. Outstanding job so far, I couldn't see anything I dislike so far.

There are a few things that I would like to point out though:
While Succubus should probably be able to notice Sypha, maybe Astarte would fall for the disguise trick.
Quote
I shall make of you a beautiful statue,
Wait... Brauner? Shouldn't a painting be more suitable?

As for Barlowe, I think it totally makes sense.
Dracula has returned, what can ol' Barlowe do? Simple. Learn to master his own skills so he can become an extension of the Dark Lord. Acting like a catalyzer for mankind to unite (by provoking even more chaos and fear)

Great story and wonderful plot. I can't wait to see Sypha and Dracula's final confrontation.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2013, 11:33:07 PM by Malphas »

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2013, 11:22:36 AM »
0
There are a few things that I would like to point out though:
While Succubus should probably be able to notoce Sypha, maybe Astarte would fall for the disguise trick.Wait... Brauner? Shouldn't a painting be more suitable?

Hey thanks man.
Astarte was the one originally to fall for Sypha's disguise, while Succubus carried an slightly more serious conversation. I removed astarte because she didn''t have any really important thing to add. Maybe I'll add her again.
For Brauner, I imagined that he's not only a painter, as his studio carry a lot of different art, including an statue. Although his most prominent ability is painting, he can turn you into stone with one.

Offline VladCT

  • turbo member
  • *******
  • Posts: 1116
  • Go home Homura, you're drunk.
  • Respect: +46
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2013, 11:29:03 AM »
0
As for Barlowe, I think it totally makes sense.
Dracula has returned, what can ol' Barlowe do? Simple. Learn to master his own skills so he can become an extension of the Dark Lord. Acting like a catalyzer for mankind to unite (by provoking even more chaos and fear)
Either way, his dialogue needs to be rewritten to sound less power-crazy and more like the Dracula worshiper he is.

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2013, 10:19:37 PM »
0
Update the story already posted by correcting some grammar errors. Added proper Succubus dialogue. Added Richter and Death. Corrected a few conversations to reflect some story plot points correclty. Added "TIER" headers mostly for me, but left them there just for "pinpointing" purposes.

Offline VladCT

  • turbo member
  • *******
  • Posts: 1116
  • Go home Homura, you're drunk.
  • Respect: +46
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2013, 01:04:16 AM »
0
(click to show/hide)
Well now, that's a bit of an embarrassing typo. Also, I believe "disposed of" would've been better than "trashed".

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2013, 06:48:36 AM »
0
Added Dracula. Added Succubus (Along with an important plot relevant detail). Modified some nibbles more of story. Re-reading is recomended.

Offline Malphas

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 529
  • Lord of the unread.
  • Respect: +21
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2013, 08:21:31 AM »
0
I'll read it completely later. Thanks for the hard work.

Offline FelixFalora

  • jr. member
  • **
  • Posts: 73
  • Master of the Vampire Killer
  • Respect: +3
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2013, 04:37:35 AM »
0
I like it all! But I have a feeling the higher ups are going to jump on you for that usage of "miserable little pile of secrets" in Dracula's dialogue, so I would suggest editing that. That's the only line directly ripped from a Castlevania game I can see though.

However, we are forgiven.

Offline ThePlotTwist

  • gold member
  • *****
  • Posts: 416
  • My eyes can see everything.
  • Respect: +29
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #15 on: May 12, 2013, 05:08:44 AM »
0
I like it all! But I have a feeling the higher ups are going to jump on you for that usage of "miserable little pile of secrets" in Dracula's dialogue, so I would suggest editing that. That's the only line directly ripped from a Castlevania game I can see though.

I did that  for reference, of course, but also to create the impression that, this eons old Dracula is so much sure of himself that he doesn't ask "What is a man" anymore. He is absolutelly sure of it. More like a way to reinforce the "I already made my mind and I'm not listening to you anymore". It was different one edition ago, though. It went like: "SILENCE! Enough of this little game! I will show you what your childish play is worth. You are NOTHING but a pile of confusion and bones!"
 '-'
« Last Edit: May 13, 2013, 12:34:43 AM by ThePlotTwist »

Offline Malphas

  • super member
  • ******
  • Posts: 529
  • Lord of the unread.
  • Respect: +21
Re: Sypha Belnades - Story
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2013, 11:51:49 PM »
0
I pretty much said everything I had to say on my first comment so I'll say two more things:
1: I think this story is great.
2: Write a novel. I would buy it.