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Author Topic: Story - Persephone  (Read 2349 times)

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Offline Cassie

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Story - Persephone
« on: August 21, 2013, 01:19:50 PM »
+1
Since a lot of story modes around here seem to be quite aged, and there aren't a lot of spellchecks done, here's my take on Sorrow series' cleaning maid out of many: Persie!!

Hope no one gets mad about a serious to boot story ^^ Almost, I hope.

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Prologue
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Entry / Intro

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Beginning Tier

VS Wyvern

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TIER 3

VS Dario

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VS Aguni

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TIER 4

VS Rebirth Succubus

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TIER 5

VS Stella

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VS Carmilla

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TIER 7

VS Brauner

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VS Richter

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Death Fight

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Dracula Fight

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ENDING & EPILOGUE

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100% COMPLETE
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 09:58:40 PM by Cassie »
Some people prefer leather whips, some prefer metal chains. Me? Just swords. Whips are the least effective weapons against evil in plausibility scales.

Offline Malphas

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2013, 11:02:34 PM »
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First of all I must say 2 things:
1: Thank you for the story.
2: A LOT of reviewing/correcting is needed, and I mean a lot. Some sentences seem broken and it's a bit hard to get the meaning. Other than that the story is ok. I know that coming from a non-native it sounds really unsettling but... mind your English, please!
3: Maybe you could add to her background and personality the traits of Persephone, the Greek myth she was named after.
And now, without delay... let's begin with the...

Beginning:
Tip: If you could avoid using Germain and use Aeon instead it would be much better since he is the standard one. As far as I know Germain is still accepted but Aeon is the true big boss here. Also, some sentences need to be rewritten to be clearer for the reader.
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the castle you're from is actually the distant future of the castle right here.

Alternate timeline, it can not be a distant future. Perhaps the problem is the sentence itself, but it doesn't sound alright.

The Wyvern part is neat, but Dario should use less... heavier words in my opinion. Succubus part is nice too, you could try to add some references to the myth of Persephone. Y'know: cute girl living on earth, Hades the God of the underworld falls in love with her and kidnaps her, she eventually returns home, but has to go back every now and then because now there is a part of the underworld in her.
I suggest you to do a wiki-attack since my long story short is horrible inaccurate and I don't remember it clearly.

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Persephone *covered in blood*:
I'm not sure our budget allows it, but I don't think it's necessary.

I found the text too confusing at the end. Feel free to take your time to make it longer and clearer as well as to explain better the situations. Hope it helped.


« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 03:08:52 PM by Malphas »

Offline Cassie

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2013, 11:15:34 PM »
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About the first two things.

1) Thank you for your attention as well ^^
2) No offense but, your stories here had much broken English than mine. I've never had 'black paint calling kettle black' before.

Beginning: Some sentences need to be rewritten? Ok, I'll check for other possibilties then. And calling it distant future is technically correct: it's just there are lots of alternate timelines at play, and this implies that Germain knows -when- (2035) she's from.

Dario is a dumb muscle, of course he uses heavier but less intelligent words XD

I don't know any Persephone mythos, sorry....

As for the final part, it -is- necessary. Poor girl has one of the lowest defense stats out of all characters, has low starting HP and is constantly battling against the Power of Dominance in this story. The fight against Dracula is the biggest struggle of all, so of course she's injured along the way.

AAAAANYWAY, thank you a lot for your input!

Afterthought addendum: I don't use Aeon because I don't like his existence. He comes from a miserable failure called Castlevania Judgment. A game so full of fail, it has wrong spelling in its game title.
Some people prefer leather whips, some prefer metal chains. Me? Just swords. Whips are the least effective weapons against evil in plausibility scales.

Offline rasgar

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2013, 03:10:11 AM »
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2) No offense but, your stories here had much broken English than mine. I've never had 'black paint calling kettle black' before.

As long as you realize that doesn't give you an excuse to ignore the problems in your own story. It's still valid criticism, no matter who it comes from - I'm sure Malphas is aware of the issues in his own writing, he even said as much in his posts.

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And calling it distant future is technically correct: it's just there are lots of alternate timelines at play, and this implies that Germain knows -when- (2035) she's from.

But technically it isn't correct. For example, Persephone exists in a world where Julius and Soma exist. The game's setting is a world where neither of them can ever exist. You can say that she's from the "future", but make it clear that they are very different timelines.

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I don't know any Persephone mythos, sorry....

It is important to do research on the characters as much as possible. For characters that we don't have much info on, we often draw from the mythology/fiction they were inspired from. Several authors have done this with Abaddon, Carmilla, etc.

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As for the final part, it -is- necessary. Poor girl has one of the lowest defense stats out of all characters, has low starting HP and is constantly battling against the Power of Dominance in this story. The fight against Dracula is the biggest struggle of all, so of course she's injured along the way.

The issue here is, does anyone want to spend the time drawing appropriate sprites for this? If not, then it's not going to happen in-game.

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Afterthought addendum: I don't use Aeon because I don't like his existence. He comes from a miserable failure called Castlevania Judgment. A game so full of fail, it has wrong spelling in its game title.

Keep in mind that you're playing by someone else's rules here, and those rules are that Aeon is a huge part of the game. Also, "judgment" is in fact the correct spelling - look it up if you don't believe me. For what it's worth, I'm typing this post in Firefox which has auto spell-check, and there's no red squiggly under judgment. Maybe hold off on the 'black paint calling kettle black' comments?

Offline ThePlotTwist

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2013, 08:21:43 AM »
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Dario is a dumb muscle, of course he uses heavier but less intelligent words XD

No one in the Castlevania series ever said "Bitch", much less "dumb bitch". This actually breaks the suspension of disbelief to a disturbing level. Dario is a dumb muscle, point given, but you sold all the overuse of apostrophes and slang for a single swear. Don't you think this actually uncharacterized him?

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I've never had 'black paint calling kettle black' before.

A tu quote fallacy. Even though his stories have the problem of broken english (Which he already recognized), it doesn't impede him of locating your errors, specially if he's right on the subject, on the right place. Please avoid arguments like this when receiving feedback. You posted the story asking for criticism, and here it is. If you can't base the use of broken english with clear arguments, then the only choice is resorting to fixing them.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 09:01:20 AM by ThePlotTwist »

Offline Cassie

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2013, 10:01:38 AM »
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About the language: The point here isn't to say that I am mondo perfecto over here, as you are well aware. While I look into the fluency of the dialogues, and in the verge of re-edit the dialogues of my original posts, I just can't see where I have to make corrections (upon errors which warranted Malphas' pointing of my writing errors). This is a first time for me : I have done fanfics before and got no such notifications. Also, I prefer not to use spell-checking as a means of measure since it dehumanizes the process. I prefer my writing to come across as more organic, but if that's not ok with you, then like I said - I will make some changes in time.

About research: Err, I'm sure you are aware that mythologies and the like can be taken with grains of salt these days, especially when it comes to cross-culture and cross-media recurrences. Just like how Dracula cannot possibly be a lord of all night and darkness when you cross-check with the -actual- Vlad the Impaler, Persephone's greek origins just simply make no sense in maid uniform with a splash of kungfu. And this subject is where I have an actual defense on my part: conflating the greek origin to her character here can only deviate the tone of the game.

About the sprites: No...... You misunderstood here. Y'see, I was only aiming for portrait representation. Not blood covered sprite, but bleeding parts of Persephone's face.

About Aeon: FINE. How about I put him in the cliff part?

About -Dario's- language: I simply can't see how this breaks the suspension of disbelief, since the setting as a whole is already a chaotic disbelief incarnate. And I just can't see how uttering insults can simply decharacterize a character. It could be worse, like swearing. How would you re-word it?

EDIT: Removed Dario's mild but already damaging language, and made some context changes to the intro.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 10:22:59 AM by Cassie »
Some people prefer leather whips, some prefer metal chains. Me? Just swords. Whips are the least effective weapons against evil in plausibility scales.

Offline ThePlotTwist

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2013, 12:07:54 PM »
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About the language: The point here isn't to say that I am mondo perfecto over here, as you are well aware. While I look into the fluency of the dialogues, and in the verge of re-edit the dialogues of my original posts, I just can't see where I have to make corrections (upon errors which warranted Malphas' pointing of my writing errors). This is a first time for me : I have done fanfics before and got no such notifications. Also, I prefer not to use spell-checking as a means of measure since it dehumanizes the process. I prefer my writing to come across as more organic, but if that's not ok with you, then like I said - I will make some changes in time.

The biggest difference of fanfics and here is that on a fanfic you have the actual bizarre and free liberty to do with the character, and setting, everything you want, and still sound in character. Here, you pretty much have to cater to very specific rules. You're not writing under your own rules, but on a prestablished set created by others long before you (or me, for the matter) even knew what Castlevania Fighter is. If you got no notifications, you either wrote stories based on worlds you know like the palm of your hand, or your public sucks. Critique is always welcome, but if you got none on this matter, then you haven't written enough.

About research: Err, I'm sure you are aware that mythologies and the like can be taken with grains of salt these days, especially when it comes to cross-culture and cross-media recurrences. Just like how Dracula cannot possibly be a lord of all night and darkness when you cross-check with the -actual- Vlad the Impaler, Persephone's greek origins just simply make no sense in maid uniform with a splash of kungfu. And this subject is where I have an actual defense on my part: conflating the greek origin to her character here can only deviate the tone of the game.

Firstly, Dracula is still a vampire and STILL carries a lot of his Bram Stoker inspiration (weakness to holy, thirst for blood, ressurrection, transformation, hatred for God, etc etc), not "actual Vlad the Impaler" inspiration. What turned Dracula the lord of all night is simple: He called himself that and that's that. The fact that he's the most powerful vampire "alive" and having the greatest army of darkness under his command help matters a little more, right? Also, there isn't an "actual Persephone", and just like Castlevania's Dracula is based on lore, so can  Persephone be.
Secondly,  Persephone. No one asked you to do a copy pasta story of her greek origins. Only brushing over it a little, like the reason for her name, is already very good. Like, for instance:
Analyse the fact that EVERY enemy maid in the Castlevania series is called "Persephone", and although each could be called this individually, I'm inclined to believe that "Persephone" refers to the demon's species (like "Skeleton", or "Fleaman", or "Gargoyle" or "Merman"), and not it's actual individual name. Now, elaborating on this a bit more, Persephone's bestiary for Dawn of Sorrow reads:
A demonic maid in the employ of an unearthly baron.

Persephone is the name of the greek individual who had to be kidnapped by Hades to be his companion on the underworld. She, too, represented the "feminility". The last part you got spot on, yet why call the "amalgamation of servitude under men "Persephone"? Because that's how greek mythos portray THE Persephone. She "serves an unearthly baron", that being Hades, and it could be himself lending "Persephones" to serve Dracula. Or that could be Dracula himself taking "Persephones" for him, like Hades did.

That's one idea. Very unpolished, but I think you get it.

About the sprites: No...... You misunderstood here. Y'see, I was only aiming for portrait representation. Not blood covered sprite, but bleeding parts of Persephone's face.

And the problem still stands: Who's willing to do it? It may be a simple task, but many things here are simple tasks, and are still unresolved. The idea is for you to write the story with things that may go unresolved in mind.

About Aeon: FINE. How about I put him in the cliff part?

He's the great manipulator of time and the one behind this story. How did Persephone find the Talisman? Just by cleaning?? You could elaborate on this, without having him appearing at all, but stating that her presence there is not by chance.

About -Dario's- language: I simply can't see how this breaks the suspension of disbelief, since the setting as a whole is already a chaotic disbelief incarnate. And I just can't see how uttering insults can simply decharacterize a character. It could be worse, like swearing. How would you re-word it?

Even though you already adressed the problem, I'll try voicing it. Have you ever seen Dario's speech frames contain -any- swearing (Bitch IS swearing)? Have you ever seen Dario speak so goddamn correctly, and never use an overt slang word on any of his lines? This Dario is the same as Dawn of Sorrow. Read his lines and read yours for a side to side comparison, and tell us if it is the same Dario you see.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 12:17:56 PM by ThePlotTwist »

Offline rasgar

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2013, 03:00:53 PM »
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This is a first time for me : I have done fanfics before and got no such notifications.

That may be, but this is a little different. I can't claim to know what your writing process is for your fanfics or where you post them, but I'm going to guess there isn't any kind of approval process. Here, there's pretty strict quality control.

In my experience, when writing fanfics (or even original short stories in similar communities), readers are able to enjoy the story even if the grammar/spelling isn't perfect. It's even worse if you are showing it to friends/fans/whatever, because they might avoid giving you criticism so that they don't offend you. I used to try to assist other authors on deviantArt by critiquing and proofreading for them, but I stopped because people would either get mad at me, ignore me, or pretend that they appreciated the help but never took any of the advice to heart. This has led me to believe that criticism isn't thrown around much in such communities, and that most people who ask for "feedback" or "criticism" really just want praise. Yes, I will admit I'm pretty jaded against such things.

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Also, I prefer not to use spell-checking as a means of measure since it dehumanizes the process. I prefer my writing to come across as more organic, but if that's not ok with you, then like I said - I will make some changes in time.

Is that directed at me? All I was trying to say is that Firefox sees "judgment" as the correct spelling. You don't have to use spellcheck if you don't want to - in fact, I don't know how much you'd get out of it, because I'd say your problems are more with grammar and word choice than spelling.

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About research: Err, I'm sure you are aware that mythologies and the like can be taken with grains of salt these days... conflating the greek origin to her character here can only deviate the tone of the game.

I see your point. There's a number of ways to approach each character. What I was trying to say is that we have so little info on her/them that a nod to the Greek mythos couldn't hurt. Obviously that's where they got the name from.

In the end, I think that's really up to you. I'm choosing not to write Carmilla or Astarte as bisexuals/lesbians for my own reasons.

---

Now, with all of these things said, I don't want to give you the impression that I think you did a bad job. I like the gist of the story, it may just need some polish.

Hope no one gets mad about a serious to boot story ^^ Almost, I hope.

Actually, that's the kind of stories we should be doing. :)

I wondered what kind of story someone might come up with for Persephone, and this is pretty good, I think. There's so little to work with, I'd think she would be one of the more difficult characters to write for.
As I recall, there was a draft made a long time ago that involved a group of Persephones rallying against Drac because they have to deal with sexual harassment all the time. This is miles above that.

Offline Cassie

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2013, 09:39:38 PM »
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You spoke, and I have listened! ^o^

About criticisms: twistie and rasgar, thank you for your input thus far. In writing, there's nothing more counterproductive than fake praise, and I can only applaud you for being observant about my use of English. That is all I have to say about the matter. Perhaps in time I will improve. Everything I type depends on feeling after all.

Dario's language part 2: First, we see swearing a bit (or maybe a lot) differently here. Bitch doesn't count because it properly means 'female dog' and act as a form of derogatory pointing of Persephone's original occupation of being a servant. I think it's simply miles better than slapping some 'sexual intercourse' verb before, within or after words and sentences, which would make everything less cultured and acceptable. Since it's been a long time since I've played Dawn of Sorrow (I HATE GRINDFESTS), I could not work up a proper mental image about Dario according to you. I just remembered him wrong and perhaps I was right about one thing all along: he is still a dumb muscle character. The fact that you said he does use sentences correctly nails it.

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I wondered what kind of story someone might come up with for Persephone, and this is pretty good, I think. There's so little to work with, I'd think she would be one of the more difficult characters to write for.
As I recall, there was a draft made a long time ago that involved a group of Persephones rallying against Drac because they have to deal with sexual harassment all the time. This is miles above that

These are touching words! I have smiles!

Seriously, writing her was not without difficulty for myself. The only Persephone I first came across was the one in God of War 3, who was used as a ramming object, so that does not count as knowing about her Greek lore at all. With that said, I did compound all the possible reasons for a kungfu maid's existence into one, and since she's a mob character, I had to come up with a convincing story about -their- existence. But if there's something I wanna say to Konami about choice names, I just want to say one thing: call them 'Rosa' (which means Rose) instead of using a Greek name of famous origin for nothing.

It fits: looks beautiful, but has thorns. She looks like a maid but knows Soma-kicking martial arts.

To rasgar: How's Montano coming along for you? Can I take him from you? It would suck if we're going by twistie's logic of grammar consistency by giving him Chinese Anglish. It would certainly BREAK the tone of the game by having bosses react to him like WUT R U TOKING ABAWT

EDIT: Overhauled the ending
« Last Edit: August 27, 2013, 10:05:44 PM by Cassie »
Some people prefer leather whips, some prefer metal chains. Me? Just swords. Whips are the least effective weapons against evil in plausibility scales.

Offline rasgar

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Re: Story - Persephone
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2013, 12:14:35 AM »
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Dario's language part 2: First, we see swearing a bit (or maybe a lot) differently here. Bitch doesn't count because it properly means 'female dog' and act as a form of derogatory pointing of Persephone's original occupation of being a servant.

That may be true, but I think in most cultures it's considered a swear word (I know it is where I'm from). Just because it means 'female dog' doesn't mean it can't be a vulgar word that you wouldn't use in everyday language (or, maybe you would, guess it depends on the person). In any case, I feel that Dario is the kind of person who would use it in the most vulgar sense possible, rather than a synonym for dog. He would use it as a swear word.

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Since it's been a long time since I've played Dawn of Sorrow (I HATE GRINDFESTS), I could not work up a proper mental image about Dario according to you.

If you need to, you could always look up the script for one of the games to get a feel for the character. In fact, there's a topic on this board for easy access to most of them: /board/index.php?topic=556.0

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But if there's something I wanna say to Konami about choice names, I just want to say one thing: call them 'Rosa' (which means Rose) instead of using a Greek name of famous origin for nothing.

That would only cause more confusion though, wouldn't it? There's already a character named Rosa.

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To rasgar: How's Montano coming along for you? Can I take him from you? It would suck if we're going by twistie's logic of grammar consistency by giving him Chinese Anglish. It would certainly BREAK the tone of the game by having bosses react to him like WUT R U TOKING ABAWT

I finished Montano's story before the forum existed, and even if I hadn't I wouldn't hand him over to anyone (someone already tried). I'm quite attached to him, and somewhat possessive. I'm the one who ripped his sprites so that he could be in CV Fighter, and I also provided the only English translation in existence (that I know of) of the game that precedes Castle of Shadows/Avenger/whatever. Up until recently my avatar was Montano, but I decided to switch it to Kale for a change of pace.

Also, I would never have him talk like a moron just because his game was poorly translated. If nothing else, he should sound like my writing style, since his story takes place before DHL4 based on the translation that I did myself (which, admittedly, is a fairly crappy translation, so never mind).